Over the Line

Today, I was clicking around on the Internet looking at all the current fashion styles.

click, click, click.....oh yeah,... click, click,.... [time is a' wasting] .....click, click, click....

This was more of an exercise on keeping up with what's going on in the world, not actually thinking I was going to buy any of the Fashion Attrocities Currently Trending.  (FACTs).  I am aware that I have crossed some type of invisible line that puts me in a "NO LONGER ACCEPTABLE" zone of fashion. In case, you are not understanding due to my poor phrasing....it's not that I am no longer acceptable as being a human,  but certain fashions are no longer acceptable for me to wear because I am on the far side of 30.  The very, very, very, far side of thirty.

 I guess the point is moot as there isn't any way  that I can actually pull off, without looking ridiculous, any of the FACT stuff, anyway.  It's not that I wouldn't love to be able to wear pants that have the word "Juicy" across my ass but at my age it would be perceived more creepy than cool. 

Which leads me to where was the line that I crossed that made yoga pants that looked like this, totally inappropriate?

Oddly, enough...when I was clicking my little fingers to the bone, looking for what is deemed appropriate for my age group...there is NOT ONE....NONE...NARY A... picture on the Internet to be found...... of a person past the age of 30 in any type of track suit, warm up suit, sweatpants,  NOTHING, NADA...

I am pretty confident that all 50+ year
olds have an abdomen that looks like this,
ours are just harder to locate.

Now one would think that one could find a picture of a more mature model (notice my avoidance of using the word "older") wearing a velour track suit. While I am very atypical in my aversion to velour tracksuits, as most of my age group loves them, I don't find fuzzy bright colored clothes rock my world.   Maybe not my taste, but on a good afternoon in suburbia, you could play a drinking game using velour track suits as your target.  I have to warn you though...in Overland Park, Kansas you would be too drunk to drive after about 20 minutes.  If you remove the word "velour" and just turn the game into getting to drink each time you spot a woman in "sweats" you are going to need  to be scraped up off the pavement in less than 10 minutes.

Sweats and jeans, sweats and jeans,

But I digress...my point today is....where is the line that makes certain styles off limits based on age.

There was a time, not so long ago that women weren't supposed to wear sleeveless tops if they were of a certain age.  This "age" wasn't clearly defined but the inference was "if you were past the age of "total firmness", you were too old.   If there was any of the hangy" under arm stuff, it was strictly verboten to be donning anything that didn't cover up at that area of your flab.  Lately, everyone is feeling justified to wear sleeveless tops as Michelle Obama has set the bar high as age goes. That is to say, over 30 at least.  Thank, god her signature design choice isn't the "fascinator" as Kate Middleton Windsor's is (while I can appreciate how good they look on Kate) or we would all be looking like this:





Sorry, sleeveless is "off limits".

For you men that are currently rolling your eyes and muttering under your breath, "how stupid is this?" and "what the hell does it matter?".  You have a point...stupid it is... BUT...if I were to tell you after 30 you no longer can wear denim jeans because only young men are supposed to wear denim jeans, you would be a bit more empathetic. 

AND SPEAKING OF JEANS....

Women's jeans come in a lot of versions such as boot cut, jeggings, slim cut, straight leg, high waist, low rise....and the infinite mix of those such as "tall, bootcut, acid washed, low rise jeans for juniors adds up to a lot of decisions to be made.    It's like ordering Starbucks but the penalty of getting the order wrong is your butt is going to look really bad for the whole world to see. 

Clearly you have to decide the cut, the fit, the cost, the quality and the most important consideration is DO THEY LOOK LIKE "MOM JEANS"?????? If women just can't figure out the difference, there is a line of jeans named "It's Not Your Daughters Jeans" that sell in major department stores.  They are a little pricey but they are supposed to make us feel all trendy like our daughters are, (I guess it is presumptive that our daughters are fashionistas)  and the bonus (beside being all trendy) is our hoo haa isn't hanging out.

Again, I hear the collective "WTH...from you men out there.  I know, I know...you are thinking " What difference does that make?"   Just go ask your, wives, your  girlfriends, and/or the girls that are friends, and they will tell you this is important. It is the fashion law that women "of a certain age" no longer  are "supposed" (highly advised not to)  wear something that looks like this:

If this was gender equality, there really should be "tall, low rise, young macho jeans" for the young guys and everyone over 30ish should be "suggested" to wear "daddy jeans".

As it is, you guys just seem to buy jeans...not age specified jeans, or "pre or post" parenting jeans...just jeans.

How you look in jeans, might be another story.

Which might require some honesty from those around you.

So off I go to find age appropriate clothing and put my feet in my Keds... while  I strive to be trendy and cool.